February 13, 2015
The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind.
Caroline Myss
In 2010 I contracted a bizarre crippling illness. While I could not communicate, my husband posted daily on CaringBridge ( a site that keeps families and friends informed during medical journeys). He wrote about my infirmity daily, until I was able to speak/write for myself. Fast forward to 2014, the year I committed to blogging about my memories from the daily CaringBridge posts, for further healing and writing practice. I posted weekly for most of the year. But the holidays and the ringing in of 2015 found me at a loss for words. I didn't want to blog any more. After much pondering, I deduced that I needed to be more present. I will stop blogging about my daily struggles in ICU and Rehab. The past has a lasso around me. The rope gets tighter when I do too much reflection. The shadow is still there. It haunts me. The past bleeds into the present, staining precious moments with fear and worry.
This year I will try and be more present. Deal with the demons head on. And sometimes ignore the darkness completely, allowing my wandering mind to explore nature, magic, and miracles. If you want a blow by blow account of my illness, visit the CaringBridge website and search Anita Crean.
It's been over 4 years since I started on this odyssey and healing is still occurring. The numbness, tingling, muscle weakness, spasms, balance and endurance issues are constant reminders of where I have been. Today I am so grateful to be independent. Sure there are things I miss. Bike rides on the beach. A swim in the pool. Feeling the strength of my muscles. Sweating. I miss these things like a graduate longs for summer break. I'll never forget the way it was, but it will never be the same. My perspective has been altered. I've had to move on and get back to living again. I saw a sign the other day.."Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful." That's what I want. I hope for a summer break full of bike rides, beach trips and frozen drinks. For now though, I strive for peace to accept where I am right now, persistence to work for more, and patience as I look forward to further healing. Now....for just a little while.
