Written September 22, 2010  8:43 pm

Anita made further progress with weaning off the ventilator today.  She managed to breathe without the ventilator at three (3) different times during the day, for a period of eighteen (18) minutes each.  Speech therapy adjusted the tracheostomy  tube bulb temporarily (0.5 hour) to check Anita's vocal chords/ability to speak.  She showed good results.  She met with family members and friends in the afternoon.

Anita is now at a point she can move out of ICU to a rehabilitation facility.  However, due to her current ventilator dependence, she will have to be transferred to a facility which accept ventilator dependent patients.  After review of various facilities, it has been decided to transfer her to the Shepherd Center in Atlanta, GA for ventilator weaning/rehab.  This will occur in the next days, after the appropriate planning, paperwork, approvals, etc. have been completed.  Needless to say, this is an additional stress on our family, but we are all on board and believe it provides the best opportunity to Anita for recovery.  We thank you for all the prayers and good wishes you have shown Anita and our family during this difficult time, and ask that you continue to keep Anita in your thoughts and prayers.

Looks like I am going to Atlanta.  Nine hours (by car) away from family, friends, and the awesome care and support I have grown accustomed to.  I am medically stable, but it scares me to think that quadriplegia and vent dependency is my new normal.  I am fretful.  John seems stressed.  Everyone else has that deer in the headlights look.

How in the hell did my once active, crazy life with a husband, two kids, and a dog in the burbs end up here?  Ok Anita, calm down.  Be mindful.  Be thankful.  John and my "therapy" friends have found a place that will work with me.  Help me find more independence.  I am hard-headed, strong willed and I've got my faith, family, and friends in my corner.

I am helpless, but I can't refuse.  Where would I be, where would I go if I did.  Besides I love to travel.  This could be my last vacation.

Stop.  Deep breath....forgot, I can't do that.  Ok.  Stop. Blink hard and think.  My brain feels like it is missing a piece of this puzzle.  The facts:  I'm paralyzed, on a ventilator, medically stable and going to Atlanta for Rehab.  I have 2 boys in High School that need their mother.  This sucks.  My life is out of control.  John assures me that all is arranged.  He is coming to Atlanta with me.  My mom, brother, and cousin will be with the boys.  He has gotten the ok from work.  What a blessing.  My head is spinning. I swallow my tears, my fear.

I decide to control what I can.  My attitude.  I can change that.  I can be grateful for this opportunity to heal.  I can teach my boys about perseverance, faith, and determination.  I can thank John by doing my best.  I decide to let go, let God. Now....for just a little while.