Written August 30, 2010  8:58 pm

Anita slept through the night breathing with the aid of the ventilator.  Upon review of her status in the morning, it was determined that the steroid treatment program was not having the desired effect on completely eliminating the antibody activity (i.e. demyelinating lesion activity in her brain and spine), as evidenced by her clinical neurology, i.e. movement, sensation, ability to breathe, etc.  The medical team discussed the status with Anita and the family, and it was collectively decided to pursue a plasmapheresis procedure/program ("blood filtering", removal of antibodies from plasma) which is planned to be performed over the next three (3) days. The plasmapheresis procedure/program will start tomorrow morning.  Additionally it was decided to remove the ventilator tube (inserted through her mouth) and perform a tracheotomy procedure (insert breathing tube into the trachea), as well as a PEG procedure (insert feeding tube in the stomach).  The tracheotomy and PEG procedure will be performed tomorrow afternoon.  The steroid treatment program continued through today.  Anita visited with various family members for short periods of time in the afternoon and watched some TV.  Anita's will remains strong, and the hope is that the plasmapherisis procedure/program will set her on the path to recovery. 

It was the Civil War era.  I think.  I was wearing a long muslin skirt and a dirty scarf tied my hair back from my face.  I dreamed I was a stowaway on a river boat in New Orleans.  I was afraid of being caught, well aware that I was not supposed to be there.  There was a black horse tied to a metal ring in a straw lined stall on the boat.  He was large, quite a presence, and I knew he was important.  His bridle was lined with small brass discs and ruby jewels.  He snorted and pawed at the floor with his front leg, bowing his head in time.  When his hoof struck the floor it sounded like a muffled tambourine.  He stomped with a steady, driving rhythm. 

It was a disturbing dream.  I felt I had done something wrong.  The ventilator rattled its own cadence.  The priest told me, "These things happen.  We don't know why." Chaos.  My world was shrouded by foggy thoughts, fearful dreams.  Scared.  Confusion.  Darkness.  What's real? I prayed.  I slept. I dreamed.  I was unable to hold onto a thought.  Spiraling down, reaching out to grab a thread of reality. But it was slipping through my hands.  My world was unraveling.  I had to keep fighting, but for what?  Why?  Something was pushing/pulling me.  Let go, let God.