Written August 31, 2010

Anita slept soundly through the night breathing with the aid of the ventilator.  The first plasmapheresis procedure ("blood filtering", removal of antibodies from plasma) was performed during the morning, taking approx.  two (2) hours in accordance with plan.  The tracheotomy procedure (insert breathing tube in trachea), and PEG procedure (insert feeding tube in the stomach) were performed back-to-back in the afternoon without incident.  Anita rested under sedation for the remainder of the evening.  The steroid treatment program was continued today.  The plan is for Anita to sleep thru the night, have another plasmapheresis procedure performed tomorrow in addition to continuing with the steroid treatment program with twice daily doses.

Plasmapherisis.  I have a vague memory of this procedure and the machine that sucked out my blood, cleaned it, and put it back in.  Amazing.   The team of ladies working with me on this were so kind. Their smiles and patience meant a lot to me.  I still didn't fully comprehend what was happening.  I don't remember the PEG insertion or the tracheotomy.  For that I am thankful.

I do remember being so confused at the chaos going on around me.  There were moments full of harried professionals, lots of machines and noise, followed by solitude and quiet, as if someone turned off the power.  Sometimes I was floating above my bed, looking down on my useless body, even venturing out to the waiting room and seeing some of my family members.  I never went through a tunnel or saw any white lights, but I did experience an overwhelming feeling of peace. I felt that everything was going to be ok.  I just had to be patient.  Patience has never been one of my stronger virtues, so this peace could quickly be smothered by fear and anger.  My fickle emotions matched the randomness of my thoughts.  I would think, I need to be strong for my family, but before I could determine if my family was in the room, I would fall asleep, or be interrupted by a blood pressure check or a beeping IV.  So, the thought left me, but would come back to visit when I was alone in the middle of the night, where I doubted myself.  Did I see my family today? What time is it?  I just couldn't make sense of anything and that bothered me.  I knew where I was, but I didn't understand what was wrong and why I wasn't getting any better.

And then the peace would come.  Much needed, I would let it surround me, erase my thoughts and envelope me in the most comfortable bed I've eve been in. A bed I wanted to stay in.  I was suspended, floating on a cloud.  I've never felt anything like that before.  And then the nightmares would come, reality hitting my ears with the hum of the ventilator, the paralysis in my body.  The emotional extremes.  The back and forth.  I was fighting for a much needed middle ground.  Thank God, my family and friends were my constant.   I had to keep going for them.  But I had to wonder, What am I fighting for and where am I going? Peace...now, for just a little while.