Written August 26, 2010 8:39 pm
Good progress made today with the process of weaning off the ventilator.  Anita spent the day breathing "spontaneously" on her own, with the ventilator connected as backup.  Good likelihood that she could have the tube/ventilator removed over the weekend/early next week.  Anita continued to be tired with her spontaneous breathing, and slept for a large part of the day.  She did manage to read some cards, emails and Guestbook messages on the website.

Dreams.  Some still haunt me.  I vividly recall the huge black seal like creature in an aquarium on a wooden pier.  The boards were weathered, tar stained, with gaps between each just wide enough to lose a quarter.  The air was thick and damp.  Oil drums on the pier provided a barrier to the water and the air was slick with their residue making it hard to  breathe.  I feared this creature.  I am an animal lover, but this one elicited that primal fear in me.  The darkness.  It's like I was looking down on this scene, viewing it like a movie. There were several people standing on the pier watching this beast as it cut through the water curling in on itself in the confines of the tank, obviously restless, agitated.  There was a man there in a tattered dirty khaki coat and worn baseball hat.  He seemed to be in charge.  I wanted to stop watching.  I appeared to be the only one scared.  I was trying to hide my fear from the others.  I'm not even sure who "the others" were.  I don't remember much else from that dream, but the fact that it has stayed with me for over three years amazes me.  And, it still scares me.

It was scary to be told, "breathe on your own."  I remember feeling so fatigued, not understanding just how breathing could wear me out so.  My breaths were shallow.  I wanted to extend my arms to open my chest and gulp in air like a hungry dog devours his food, but I couldn't move them.  It felt like someone or something had sucked all the air out of the room and then sat on my chest.  They tell me I'm doing well "breathing on my own."  I don't understand.  I want to do well.  I want to get better.  Why can't I breathe on my own?  I can't ask anyone.  I just watch and nod.  And sleep.  It's my escape until big black sea creatures chase me back to wakefulness. There is no where to hide.  This is my reality now and I must face it.  I have never been so scared in my life. I close my eyes and visualize large white wings cradling me, protecting me.  They give me strength and I pray.  I pray for courage and protection.  Patience and peace.