Written September 8, 2010 9:26 pm

Anita had a fitful night in her new surroundings.  Accordingly, she slept for the greater part of today.  A further spinal tap will be performed tomorrow to check again White Blood Cell, Protein and Myelin Basic Protein (MBP) levels.  Review of the results from this spinal fluid test, together with the results of the previous spinal fluid test and recent MRI test results will confirm if the steroid/plasmapheresis treatment program has had/is having the desired effect.  Next treatment steps will then be determined as previously noted.

I'm in a new room.  The Step Down unit.  I am told this is is forward movement, but I can't help but notice the smaller room with just a tiny window overlooking the roof. It feels like a step back, not down.   This is a step closer to discharge but I can't see the positives.  I'm still on a vent.  I still can't move.  Transferring out of the ICU indicates that I'm stable. Is this my new norm?  If so, how do I accept it?  How can I do this to my friends and family?

I have a new nurse here.  He looks like Arlo Guthrie with his wiry grey pony tail.  He is so kind. He always makes sure that I can press my pancake call bell, not just once, but three times, before he exits the room. He talks to me.  Not only about how I am doing, but about his day, his family. His kindness and this distraction are much appreciated. I need to get out of my head and into someone else's, where MRIs and spinal taps are just words in a chart, not arduous tests that must be passed to take another step down the ladder of the healthcare continuum.

Time moves slowly here and changing rooms is unsettling.  I knew the sights, sounds and routines of the ICU.  I should be encouraged to step down but I'm not. I'm scared.  Fear and loneliness are hiding in this room trying to get their hooks in me. I don't like my new surroundings.  It doesn't feel right.  But I can't tell anyone.  I'm not sure I would even if I could talk.  I need to be strong.  Don't give the fear any credence.  I would run from it if I could.  Instead I go to my mindful place, close my eyes and cocoon myself in large white wings. I pray for courage.  Peace.  I visualize myself walking with my dog.  One step at a time.  Now...for just a little while.