Written September 21, 2010 8:43 pm

Anita made further progress with weaning off the ventilator today.  She managed to breathe without the ventilator at three (3) different times during the day, for a period of ten (10) minutes each.  Speech therapy adjusted the tracheostomy tube bulb temporarily (0.5 hour) in the early afternoon to check Anita's vocal cords/ability to speak.  She showed good results and was pleased to have the opportunity to talk with the medical personnel assembled and with John.  Speech Therapy again adjusted the tracheostomy tube bulb for 0.5 hour in the evening, which gave her the opportunity to talk with her sons, mom, and sister-in-law, which was a great comfort to all present, the highlight of the day. Anita will remain in ICU thru tonight, and as previously noted, decisions on next steps re:ventilator weaning program/rehabilitation will be forthcoming this week.

Vent weaning.  Sounds simple enough. Just unplug the machine and practice breathing.  Like riding a bike.  Right?  Not hardly.  I was excited at the prospect of banishing my noisy friend, but the ventilator had a firm hold on me.  The vent was my muscle, pushing air into my lungs, filling them like balloons.  It was keeping me alive, but I hated it.

For weaning, I took a ride in the hoyer lift to sit in a chair.  It was difficult to sit up straight with all the pillows, tubes, IV lines and muscle weakness, so an abdominal binder was wrapped around my ribs (like a girdle) to help me sit up straight.  The tube was pulled from my trach and I was told to breathe.  I learned it's impossible to take a deep breath without muscles.  It was like sucking air through a straw.   It was as if someone put a pillow over my face and I couldn't fight them off.  Frightening.  My brain focused on being plugged back into my "life support".  Each second seemed like a minute.  Minutes like hours.  I tried to be mindful, but that's hard when it feels like you're drowning.  John and the nurses and therapists were so encouraging, cheering my 5 minute victory.  I was relieved when I was re-attached to the ventilator. 

I felt like I failed.  I have never been so scared. How was this going to change?  What was going to happen to me? My family?  Once I calmed down, I prayed.  I visualized 6 minutes tomorrow.  Deeper breaths.  Pray.  Visualize.  Now...for just a little while.